I’m sure that someone is rolling their eyes at me right now with a title like “5 ways that endometriosis has changed me for the better” + that’s okay. The belief that something hard + painful, like a chronic illness such as endometriosis, could actually translate into something positive would have felt laughable + probably offensive to me a few years ago when I was really struggling. If that’s you, please keep reading. I am writing this just for you.
When you’re in the thick of something like sickness it’s really hard to see the woods for the trees. Your pain + shame + feelings of loneliness + fear are just so big. I promise you I remember being there. The idea that life will ever look any other way feels like too much to hope for.
But I’m here with my own very real experiences to speak to that scared place in your brain + say, “I know you can’t believe it now, but let me show you + believe it for you. It can get better than this.”
Where it all started
If you’re new here, to me + my journey, there are plenty of places for you to dig into some of these rougher roads I’ve walked like:
But to summarize the reality of life a few years ago, I would say this: 17 years of struggle, nearly 100 doctors appointments that left me with more questions than answers, expensive tests + medications that didn’t seem to work + way more days crying on the couch than joyfully + healthfully participating in my real life + chasing the purpose that I knew deep down I was created for.
Does any of that sound familiar?
Before I was diagnosed with endometriosis, I didn’t know how to make myself better. But I knew that it felt like all of the responsibility fell on my shoulders. Do you ever feel that? Like if you aren’t able to find “the thing” that’s making you sick that you will never, ever get better? Damn that’s a lot of pressure. (Excuse my French, but those feelings weighed on me so, so heavily). Guilt. Shame. Fear. And all because I somehow believed it was my fault that I was still struggling.
After I was diagnosed with Endometriosis? I thought a switch would flip once I had a name, but really it was more of the same. Only now, I was confronted with lists and suggestions of a million ways I could treat myself. The internet stole hours + hours of my time with articles that added to my fear, my insecurity + honestly? An overwhelming sense of hopelessness.
Chronic pain, constantly needing adaptations to make it through normal life + outcomes like infertility will do that to a girl.
I felt like I was broken.
Deciding to be different
But I eventually hit a wall. I hit a wall with how I was living + honestly? I decided to do something different. I knew that I wanted a life that was so much more than symptom management + so I started making changes. And I don’t mean the stereotypical changes like drinking more water + eating more vegetables.
I had spent YEARS micromanaging every bite I ate in the hopes it would heal me. I exercised my body into the shape of “healthy” + I read all of the right books + did all of the things + yet, I was SICK.
So instead, I started by seeing a therapist.
The years of guilt, shame, fear, stress + all of the emotions tied up in my journey to a diagnosis + afterward felt like the most obvious starting place for me.
And after that first change, I started to make more changes, but not from a rule book: these were changes my body was leading me towards, asking me for + they made me feel more alive + not more restricted.
Here we sit, a year and a half later + I’m a completely different person with a completely different perspective on her disease + the ways that it affects my life. Here are the 5 ways that I actually believe endometriosis has changed me + I’d consider them all to be for the better.
How endometriosis changed me
1. It helped me leave “rules” behind.
Over the course of my healing journey, I followed all of the rules. Honestly, I am a rule follower deep down + I really believed that if I just ate the right things, didn’t eat the wrong things, moved enough, drank enough water, slept enough, that I would get better. But I did that for YEARS + I was so sick + so stressed by maintaining the rigid framework that I had set out for myself.
It wasn’t until I recognized that my body was different from every single other human being on the earth that I started to treat it as such. Sure, some of that old advice really did help me! Eliminating gluten was amazing for my digestion, but other aspects of these plans really didn’t help me. Trying to eat low fodmap was so restrictive + overwhelming that my digestive symptoms got WORSE from the anxiety rather than better from the change in consumption. I think this can be true about so many “wellness” steps. Some hurt, some heal + some do both depending on the human trying them.
This is called bio-individuality + it means that we have to take into account things like YOUR sleep schedule, YOUR gut health, YOUR time freedom, YOUR home life, YOUR stress capacity, when making sweeping decisions about what will or won’t be helpful. Giving myself freedom to drop the rulebook + forge my own path is one of the ways that endometriosis has changed me.
2. I love + listen to my body more.
Once you decide that you aren’t pursuing a textbook treatment plan, the only guiding force to navigate doctor’s suggestions + the vast array of information available that you have, is your body + what it’s telling you. But listen up, because this part was SO HUGE for me: you can’t listen to your body if you don’t believe it’s worth listening to.
I know that “love your body” feels like such an ambiguous, unattainable goal + I really don’t think the goal is to feel warm, mushy feelings of adoration about every single part of your body all of the time. BUT, what I have found to be absolutely essential to healing, is to learn to approach your body from a place of love + care. Here’s what I mean:
If you love your body, you are going to make different choices in how you feed it than if you hate it. You’re going to force it to move if you think it’s too big, you’re going to force it to work hard if you think it’s lazy, you are going to tell it to shut up if you think its cues (like hunger, pain, exhaustion) are shameful or not true.
I know that it’s hard to hear + even harder to acknowledge when we’re doing things like this, but I promise you, I have done them all + being on the other side is so glorious. You cannot battle your body into submission or shame it to wellness. You cannot heal a body you hate, as Dr Will Cole says.
Endometriosis + my journey to healing from it has forced me to confront the harmful narratives that filled my brain about my body + to learn to replace them with truth instead. Learning to love my body + to listen to it is one of the greatest gifts that Endometriosis has given me.
3. I learned how to slow down + to rest without feeling shame.
I grew up in America in the land of hustle culture. Vacation times are short, productivity is praised + often our busyness dictates our perceived importance….or is it just me that felt those things?
But seriously, for YEARS, I struggled with feelings of guilt + worthlessness whenever I ended up in bed with a flare. I was convinced it was something I had done + I was being punished because resting meant that I wasn’t doing anything useful.
And yet, here I sit + I will tell you categorically that resting is one of the most important things that I have done for my body, my brain, my soul + honestly? For my productivity even, ha! Rest allows us to refuel, to recover, to dream outside of the doing + to reconcile things in our bodies or lives that aren’t working exactly right.
Rest is a gift + it’s one that endometriosis has given me. I know that seasons of pain or random flares are outside of my control + so rather than beat myself up for needing rest when they pop up, I’ve learned to structure my life in a way that I can take rest when and if I need it, which I WILL because I’m a human being. I no longer feel ashamed of “needing rest” but rather, thanking my body for speaking out what it needs + having the ability to provide it.
4. I have seen the depths of both my strength + courage.
I genuinely believe that my health journey is the most difficult thing that I have ever navigated in my entire life. The physical part, yes, but also the emotional, the spiritual, the mental.
Do you know how hard it is to continue to seek help when you’ve been laughed out of doctor’s offices? When you’ve been dismissed + offered anti-depressants? When you’ve been told again + again + again that there’s nothing wrong with you? Or that there’s nothing they can do to help you?
It is so hard. And there were many times when I thought that I couldn’t get back up. When I thought it was time to give in + to just accept my life as it was + grieve the loss of what I imagined could be. And yet, I could never leave it there.
Endometriosis has taught me that my resolve, my courage to keep going + my strength in face of hardship is so much deeper + far reaching than I ever would have given myself credit for. This disease + my struggle to be diagnosed + to find healing has shone light on pieces of my character that I am so incredibly proud of + would never have seen without the adversity this illness offered me + I honestly believe that’s a gift!
5. I have more empathy + grace for others.
We are all navigating our own versions of struggle + for many of us, those battles are not hugely visible. I know that I personally have carried such shame over not being able to follow through on a commitment or snapping at someone I love because I felt awful or *fill in the blank*. We are all carrying so much more than anyone else can know or see.
My battle with endometriosis has helped to open my eyes to the ways that I often judged or dismissed other people based on MY PERCEPTION of their life, circumstances or behaviour. I believe the I am now operating from a place of learned compassion + empathy + that is largely because of my battle with chronic illness.
Please know that this post is not meant to be dismissive or judgemental or cause more shame or guilt if you are NOT in this place with your own illness journey. My hope is that my journey will offer you encouragement + inspiration on your quest to figuring out how to find joy + purpose + peace despite your diagnosis.
If you’re really struggling, I am always here to talk, so leave a comment below or pop over to instagram where we’re always talking about all things chronic illness + self love + real food too!
1
One Comment