Sometimes Joy is a Choice: How I’m setting Myself up to Find it in 2019

I’m not sure what last year was like for the rest of you, but 2018 wasn’t always the easiest year for me.

I know that my instagram feed makes things look all sorts of dreamy. Long walks through the English country side. Buttery sweet treats straight from the oven. Spontaneous trips to Portugal. Cuddles from precious, African babes.

Those things were absolutely part of the last year of my life, but they’re moments from my highlight reel. They embody the types of experiences that inspire deep sighs of gratitude, the ones you wish could go on forever. It’s not hard to find joy in those moments.

But what about the rest of them? What about the lonely work days spent at home, far from family? What about that load of laundry that needs folding or sink full of dishes that needs washing? Or when the health problems come back? Or when the future still feels unsure, unsafe, and scary?

I’m not always so ready to document those moments. And I’m rarely great at finding joy in them either. Being an adult is really hard sometimes, but I don’t feel ready to accept a reality when more often than not, my ordinary moments don’t feel good enough.

This next year will undoubtedly contain all sorts of its own highlight moments, and I can’t wait to experience them. But, it will have plenty of hard, mundane, and routine moments too. I find my New Year’s temptation is to create all sorts of resolutions aimed at avoiding any less-desirable circumstances. Like maybe if I work harder, commit to more, eat less sugar, work out x days more a week, push, go, hustle, that I can somehow out-smart the rough patches in my life. But we both know that it doesn’t work that way.

Instead of resolving to try to be someone different, I’m imagining how the same ole’ me can live the next twelve months a little more consciously focused on finding joy. And if I want to see it in all of my moments, there are going to be plenty of times when I’ll have to search it out.

Truth be told, I have major “imposter syndrome” regarding my internal work around this topic and feel really unqualified to offer any advice in this area. I’m very much a slow work in progress. I still get annoyed by traffic jams, disrupted schedules, boring chores and all of the rest of it. I still snap at my husband more than I’d like, and I have much more practice in negative self talk than I do in self affirmation. And so, I’m coming to you not as an expert, but as a fellow struggler. Let’s fight for joy in our regular, ordinary lives together.

Here are a few tangible ways that I’ve found to increase the capacity for not only joy feeling, but also joy finding – no matter what type of day, month or year you’re having:

Start Your Morning Well

Sleeping in over the holiday break and enjoying lazy mornings absolutely has a time and a place. This year, I needed those days between Christmas and New Years to recover. (If that’s still you, take those rest days!) However, now that I’m getting back into normal routine where busyness can quickly steal away each of my waking hours, I find it incredibly grounding to start my morning in a mindful way. This is going to look different for everyone. Maybe you know that setting your alarm 30 minutes earlier will give you time to read or stretch before work, which will energize you more than the extra sleep. Maybe you want to cook and eat a nutritious breakfast sitting down instead of grabbing a cereal bar as you rush out the door. Some people find praying, journaling, or goal setting essential wake-up habits. For me, it’s a good cup of coffee, a read of my bible, and getting in my workout first thing. I easily fall prey to emotional overwhelm and need spaces to reflect and exert some energy. I leave the gym each morning, finished with my routine, walking on a cloud. Starting the day from a place of personal fullness, not of lack (of time, nutrition, energy, space, clarity, etc.), will undoubtedly mean that you have more capacity to joyfully give to the people and projects you love.

Take a Deep Breath

Literally. Pause and take a few deep breaths. Deep breathing has been scientifically proven to reduce stress, increase energy, and improve sleep. It relaxes muscles, enhances the ability of essential organs to effectively remove toxins, and releases endorphins (those lovely feel-good hormones). In moments where I encounter frustration, stress, or anxiety, a few moments of deep breathing make it easier for me to see the glass as half-full more than a stress-fuelled outburst ever did.

Get Outside

If you’re having trouble finding joy in your own space, then change your scenery. Go for a walk. Have your lunch on the patio. Take your children to the park (or heck, go on your own!). When life feels like a little bit too much, or not at all enough, there’s something mentally transformative about being present to a world much bigger than your own for awhile. At the risk of sounding cheesy, take a second to really look at some flowers, to lay in the sun with your eyes closed, or to watch children play in the snow without feeling a little bit of joy well up. No matter what my mood is upon waking, my early walk to the gym always inspires me. Hearing my own footsteps on the sidewalk and watching the sun rise on a quiet morning changes my mood like nothing else can.

Stop the Comparison

If I could eliminate one habit from my world (and from yours too), it would be comparison. Nothing else has as much power to steal our joy, pit us against each other and create dissatisfaction as comparison does. I absolutely love social media, particularly instagram, because of the ways it has allowed me to expand my access to knowledge, curate a space for fostering unlikely connections, and stay up-to-date with loved ones regardless of my geographic location. However, it’s absolutely a double-edged sword. With a few swipes of my fingers, I can compare my body/home/work/writing/wardrobe/dinner with millions of people and deem my portion not enough. But when we operate from a place of scarcity – where they have something and we don’t – it steals valuable head and heart space away from the joy and gratitude of what we do have. I promise, having more will not make you happy or whole (I’m speaking to myself here, too). Instead, take a heart inventory – what are the things that you care about so much they keep you up at night? What things really matter to you? What do you want your legacy to be? (I imagine that new sweater you wanted from Target isn’t on any of those lists…) Center your life, your goals, your thoughts and your actions around those things. Find joy in living fully as you, everybody else is taken anyway.

Find Space for Real Connection

Over the last year or two, connection has been both a space of sustained stress and sacred survival. In my transition to a new country, new culture, new marriage and new home, new relationships felt super scary. I forgot how raw it feels to throw yourself out into the open and hope that people like you. And so, many times I didn’t. My girlfriends from home (my old home, I guess) have been my oxygen. Frequent phone calls and voice messages – where I can hear a real human voice of someone who gets me – have been essential for my sanity. But, here’s the thing – we were created for connection. I’ve found that I’m missing much of the joy in the world around me because I’ve been too afraid to engage in the most precious part of it: the people. If you’re struggling with finding contentment and fulfilment in the regular parts of your every day life, I’d encourage you to put in the work. Real, lasting, deep relationships don’t just magically happen. You have to book in the coffee date, make the phone call, return the text message, introduce yourself at the gym. There really isn’t any short cut for connection. But, as I get out of my own way and invest the time, I’m finding that at the other end of all of that is something worth its weight in gold. Let’s chase the joy in connection – not in performing, competing or impressing, but connecting.

Remember, we’re in this together. I’ll be over here fighting for joy right alongside of you and cheering you on.

P.S. Here are a few of my favourite places to go when I’m looking for joy.

1. A Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp – If you’re a gratitude/joy-searching newbie, this book helped me exponentially a few years ago when I was in a really dark place.
2. For the Love Podcast by Jen Hatmaker  – Whenever I feel down, I throw on Jen + friends and find myself encouraged, inspired, and laughing out loud in my kitchen.
3. Keeping A Gratitude Journal – Writing down your moments of joy and rereading them when you’re struggling is an easy way to chase joy.
4. Toll-House Cookies – For moments of real desperation: If all else fails, the baking, the smelling and the eating of chocolate chip cookies is a really great, simply joy giver. For those of you with food allergies like me, these Paleo cookies are just as good as (if not better than) the real deal.

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