Setting healthy boundaries when you have a chronic illness is essential. It is imperative + life changing, but it is also really challenging for most of us. Setting healthy boundaries when you have a chronic illness feels so messy + hard because your illness happens inside of your own body.
We feel ALL of these things + yet, from the outside, we look as if we’re living our lives as normal, right? Most of us aren’t covered in any sort of visible marks of our illness + yet…it’s there.
But people can’t see it.
Everyone I talk to has this ongoing emotional struggle of feeling the need to “not be high maintenance” or not be “that girl.” And you know exactly the girl I’m talking about too – the one who’s always leaving the party early or the one who eats different foods or can’t go on the long family walk, the one who’s *fill in the blank*.
Why setting healthy boundaries when you have a chronic illness is important
As someone who struggles with a chronic illness + has suffered from disordered eating, I have spent an incredible amount of time (and a lot of money on therapy) working on controlling the beliefs, the emotions + the inner voice that speaks to my own worth, my value + my purpose.
But…what about all of the beliefs, thoughts, emotions and voices of the people around us? Of the people that love us? Of our coworkers and families and friends?
Whether or not we want it to, the way that we make choices in our life is usually, on some level, connected to wanting to care for ourselves + our bodies to the best of our ability, right? As they should be.
But what happens when the people around us don’t quite understand?Maybe they don’t know that you’re sick. Maybe they know the name, but they don’t know what it means for you. Maybe they know all of those things, but they still think that they know better about what you should or shouldn’t be capable of.
Whatever it is, people in our lives WILL question our choices + disagree with us, and that truth really isn’t restricted just to people living with a chronic illness.
In reality, most people make judgements about most other people + the way they live their lives. Sometimes it’s meant with love, and other times it isn’t. But regardless of whether the judgement is merited, appreciated or any of the things, I want you to speak some things out loud before we go any further. Before we jump into some tips and tricks on how to communicate effectively and how to set healthy boundaries when you have a chronic illness, I want you to remember these 2 truths:
2 truths about setting healthy boundaries when you have a chronic illness
It is not your job to prove to anyone that you are sick.
If you are sick and struggling + honestly making choices out of a place of pursuing wellness, it isn’t your job to prove to anyone that you are ill. It IS your job to communicate what you need and to set healthy boundaries, but those things are not the same as having to justify your choices with the fact that you have a diagnosed illness.
Someone else’s opinion of you is none of your business.
Now, obviously there are qualifiers here. We do care what our spouses and our best friends think when they come to us out of love or care or worry. But your neighbour Karen’s opinion on what you do or don’t eat at the neighbourhood potluck is not your business. If your mother in law doesn’t understand why you have unfolded baskets of laundry in your living room during a flare? That’s on her, not on you, regardless of what she says, okay?
Let’s dive into what it means to have some boundaries
As human beings, in any healthy relationship, we are required to speak out what we need, right? When you’re young, you ask for food or water or cuddles or whatever. And the same is still true for us as adults. If we’re feeling hurt that a friend hasn’t called, rather than stew over it, the healthy thing is to SPEAK IT OUT and ask her what’s going on. If you’re struggling to keep up with the housework, it’s helpful to ASK our spouse or roommate to help us, right? We can’t expect people to read our minds. And that same principle holds true for each and every decision that is affected by our illness.
People don’t know what we’re feeling. That’s not their fault. And so there are going to be plenty of times when you are going to have to communicate what you need to ensure that you get it. It is the only way.
And this is not being high maintenance or dramatic. You’re actually loving yourself AND others well by being really clear about where you’re at and what you need from them. I am not talking about waxing lyrical for 30 minutes about all of your health struggles and limitations to a stranger, but what I am saying is that it’s okay to say to your sister who offers you dairy, which you aren’t eating because of how it flares your stomach:
“No, thank you. I’m not going to have a piece of the cake, but it looks delicious.”
And then, it’s totally up to you if you want to qualify that statement further. Depending on the situation and your relationship with the person, you may want to say something like,
“I’m sorry, I’d love some of your cake, but dairy really bothers my stomach.“
And leave it at that!
Now listen, I know it gets trickier than this in real life. I know that people push and pry and want to know. But here’s the thing, their questions are sometimes about you, but they’re also sometimes about them. You get to choose how much of your heart and personal information that you share. It isn’t rude to set a boundary where one is needed. In fact, it’s healthy.
When your best friend asks about your thyroid disease, you really might want to walk her through the whole thing and share how you’re feeling emotionally and physically, to talk about what treatment options you have, etc.
But if your co-worker asks that same question? You are in control of how you answer. A simple, “I appreciate your question, but I’d rather not talk about it.” is appropriate if that’s how you’re feeling.
If your sister wants to dive into your relationship with dairy when you refuse the cake, YOU are in the driver’s seat here. Even if she ends up sharing all sorts of unhelpful or even untrue advice or suggestions of things you’ve already tried 100 times, it really isn’t your job to show her or convince her of any of that. You are allowed to simply say, “Thanks, I appreciate you sharing all of that.” And leave it there.
But what about communication + boundaries with people in my very own home, who I live with?
On the flip side of this equation, when we’re talking about the people who live in our very own homes with us, we do owe them a bit more than a blunt statement about why we are or aren’t able to do something, right? They deserve more than a hard boundary line without an explanation.
For example, rather than saying to your husband, “there’s no dinner tonight, have some cereal” if it’s normally your job to cook, “I’m sorry honey, I’m really not feeling up to cooking tonight. Do you mind fending for yourself?” might be received a bit better. Do you see how you’re still setting a healthy expectation, but also accounting for their needs?
Another example could be, rather than saying, “I’m not coming to your mother’s tonight”, it might be more helpful to say, “I hate missing out on time with your family, but I’m feeling so run down. Do you mind if I miss out this week and rest?” Do you see the difference there?
I think a lot of the time, when we’re asking for things that we need, we feel guilty. We feel like we SHOULD be doing something different. But oftentimes, those inner voices aren’t speaking truth. Our relationships and our bodies would be so much better off if we go out of our own heads + used our words. Next time those feelings of shame pop up, I want you to remind yourself that:
Skipping cooking dinner to rest doesn’t make you a bad wife or mom. It actually gives you a few hours to recoup so you can be really present for bedtime with the kids or to spend some time caring for yourself which means you have more emotional capacity to hear about your husband’s day or listen to your roommate cry about her boyfriend. Your kids will survive on freezer food or chicken nuggets + you can cook again tomorrow.
Missing out on the hike or the outing with friends doesn’t mean you don’t love them. It means that your body will have a chance to rest and recover, so that you’re well enough to attend the next dinner or outing or hike and actively participate with your body AND be fully present mentally rather than stuck in your symptoms.
Not eating the gluten filled cookies your neighbour made you even though you’re celiac positive doesn’t mean that you aren’t grateful or that you’re high maintenance. You can still feel loved, show appreciation + NOT dig into the shortbread that will have you in bed for a week unable to show up for your other responsibilities.
Are you getting me here?
Setting healthy boundaries when you have a chronic illness and communicating what we need can feel really, really hard. But it’s also really, really healthy + beneficial for everyone involved.
Learning to ask for what you need, to stand your ground + to uphold your boundaries will take time and practice. You will need to learn to sit with the feelings of discomfort that arise for you when it appears that people don’t approve or understand what you’re doing or why you’re doing it. That’s okay.
In that moment, you either can choose to communicate what you need or to remind yourself that their opinion of you is really none of your business + move on with your life.
If you find conversations like these helpful, be sure to pop over to instagram to hang out. We chat about similar things there. Or, if you really need to learn to carry this truth into your relationship with your physician or doctor, check out this post here.
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